Somewhere Between Wanting to Live and Wanting to Let Life Go

As I stand at the precipice, Looking back at all that was, The only word I replay is “why.” “Why does all of this happen?” “Why do I keep surviving?” “Why do I deserve this?” “Why does it persist?” “Why is it me?” “Why…” Just “Why?” The torment is strong. The abuse won't leave me alone. The mistreatment is a loop, Replaying in my mind, Turning me into an empty husk— Just waiting for my time to cease. The ones I have trusted the most Have always been the culprits. How can I trust again? Loving words sound so empty, Because I don't believe they're truly about me. I always push people away, Unable to believe someone could care. Why would I believe that, When I have never thought that way about myself? The attempts are fewer now, I rarely flirt with the end. But I do long for it. With each new bad day, With each heartbreak, With each loss, With each breath. I have felt this way for so long, It has become a normal way to think. I'm pleading: Please take me into your embrace, reaper.